Social Media and Modern Day Dating- A Recipe for Anxiety?

Do you find yourself wondering if social media is affecting your relationship? Are there negative effects of social media use on romantic relationships? What are the signs you may be experiencing relationship insecurity or anxiety due to social media use? Dr. Sandra is here with your answers.

Interactive Technology (i.e., social media, smart phones, texts, calls, facetime) has changed the game of modern dating. Yet, no one is talking about how anxiety-provoking having 24/7 accessibility to communication with and information about a romantic interest/partner can be.

My doctoral dissertation study looked at how interactive technology, primarily social media, was impacting young adults’ experience of anxiety with dating and romantic relationships. Not surprisingly, my study resulted in statistically significant findings. My study revealed that jealousy and uncertainty prompted by social media use played a significant role in the experience of anxiety with dating/romantic relationships.

More noteworthy, the study found that jealousy prompted by social media use was a stronger predictor of romantic relationship anxiety than past infidelity and attachment to parental figures – two majorly studied variables affecting romantic relationship stability/anxiety. This ultimately provides support for how strongly social media/technology can affect the stability we feel in dating; especially early on in relationships. 

In my dissertation study, I asked participants for qualitative responses on how social media/interactive technology has impacted their romantic relationships/dating experiences. Here’s some samples of what they had to say:

• “At the beginning of my relationship and in previous relationships it would cause anxiety and I would obsess.”

• “It plants insecurities.”
• “Being able to see interactions your partner has with others that would normally remain private can cause insecurities.”
• “It can be distracting and cause insecurity seeing your partner liking other female post also causes you to wonder what they’re doing on their social media.”
• “Always wondering what the other person is looking at, following, etc. “
• “Not posting anything about me and making me feel like I’m just a secret.”
• “All is exposed so you have more tools to doubt.”
• ”Social networking causes much more tension and jealousy in my relationships.”
• “It just makes you uncomfortable/worry about unrealistic things that do not exist”
• “They can influence fear and trust that we have in the relationship. You can monitor someone’s activity more closely and that can cause problems.”
• “Social media makes expectations about relationships.”

Qualitative Responses from DiBitetto (Ostroff), 2021.

You are not alone if you are experiencing dating/romantic relationship anxiety that seems prompted or exacerbated by social media and technology.

How does interactive technology/social media cause dating anxiety?

1. Increased accessibility to communicate through interactive technology is associated with heightened, potentially unrealistic, expectations regarding the frequency, duration, and content of communication (Brimhall et al., 2017). 
2. When one’s expectations regarding their romantic interest’s responsiveness to interactive technology communication are not met, the individual begins to wonder what the lack of response means (Brimhall et al., 2017). 
3. This uncertainty can create anxiety and introduce vulnerabilities into the relationship (Muise et al., 2009; Schade et al., 2013). 
4. In addition to a romantic interest not meeting one’s expectations for interactive technology communication, information accessible on social media sites (e.g., liking photos, active on social media while not responding to text messages, following new people) can generate additional anxiety and romantic jealousy (Muise et al., 2009; Schade et al., 2013).
5. This additional anxiety/romantic jealousy can prompt further uncertainty about the dating/romantic interest → leading to more behaviors in an attempt to reduce the uncertainty → this just continues in a loop. 

We may experience momentary relief if the dating/romantic interest responds or provides reassurance in some way, but this is often fleeting until our expectations regarding interactive technology are inevitably unmet once again. I am happily married and my husband does not respond to my texts or calls here and there due to work/meetings/putting down his phone for a bit.

Earlier on in relationships, we tend to interpret lack of responsiveness or ambiguous things we see on social media through a negative lens (i.e., “they’re not interested,” “they must be talking to someone else”). Could this negative interpretation be true? Yes. Is it definitely true? No. There’s a few things we can reasonably conclude and remember when we catch ourselves falling into the loop:

1. Checking social media and/or blowing up our romantic interest’s phone won’t provide certainty in a productive way. Realistically, it often leaves us feeling worse. 
2. The only way we can confidently conclude how someone feels about us/their interest and intentions is by directly hearing it verbally from them. 
3. If we value dating/finding a romantic partner, uncertainty is unfortunately an inevitable part of engaging with this value. We can do our best to welcome it as a part of the journey. We will never be able to get rid of it (even someone happily married can’t know for sure what tomorrow brings to their relationship), but it likely will decrease as we build and deepen a romantic partnership with a fitting person. 
4. Our job in dating is to be our authentic selves and treat the other person in a way that aligns with our core values. It’s not our job to convince or figure out how they are feeling or if they like us. If they reciprocate feelings, great. If not, that’s okay too. If someone doesn’t vibe with us when we are being our authentic, core, values-based selves; there’s a values mismatch and it likely wouldn’t work out in the long run anyway. 

Remembering these 4 points can be very helpful in coping with dating/romantic relationship uncertainty and anxiety exacerbated by social media use and/or interactive technology.